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Perils of a Frequent Flyer: Thought Processes at 36,000 Feet

Some consider the flight to their destination as an extension of their vacation, whereas others despise it.
Despite our differences, so many of us share the same outlook of life at 36,000 feet…

Preparing for Take Off

    • There are not enough words in the dictionary to explain the excitement and glee when you get on the plane and there is no-one in the seats next to you meaning that you can lay horizontally – First Class recliners eat your heart out!
    • ..The contrasting sadness and borderline fury when you think you’ve got the entire row to yourself and then someone shows up to sit beside you at the last minute. You don’t care who this guy is or where he’s from – he will be subject to your glares for the duration of the flight now for depriving you of some quality horizontal time.
    • The flight attendant snaps shut that curtain between First Class and Economy so that us poor folk can’t see in. #SympathyforthePoor
    • You’ve travelled a lot, but you still consider those first few minutes after the plane takes off as make or break with regards to whether or not you will survive.

In Flight

    • There’s turbulence and your orange juice is sloshing violently all over the place, so you try to gauge the likelihood of death by assessing the Steward’s facial expressions.
    • You draw the conclusion that this particular bout of air turbulence will be deadly and try to mentally prepare yourself. You’re no fool, you used to watch LOST.
    • The stress when you hear that there are two menu options and you only like one of them and their availability is limited. You want the chicken damn it, not the Salmon. Your heart drops every time you hear someone exclaim “Chicken please!” just in case that is the last Chicken.
    • You’re not feeling so hot but the drinks are free so you need to make the most of this opportunity with as much free alcohol as possible… you can’t be making a fool’s choice of Coca Cola now can you? That’s hardly a return on investment.
    • You’ve made no effort with your appearance, confident in the belief that no-one makes an effort for a flight, then you spot a hottie opening his bag of complimentary pretzels across the aisle and frantically set about wiping drool off your chin and trying to look presentable.
    • You recline in your seat for maximum comfort but feel furious if the person in the seat in front of you does the same compromising your small television viewing pleasure.

When nature calls…

    • You’re not entirely convinced that there isn’t at least a small possibility that you could get sucked down the toilet… That thing’s powerful!
    • The lighting in these plane toilets is so unflattering. You wonder if you’ve always been this ugly as you gaze upon your bleary eyed reflection. Have I always looked like that? Are my eyes really so squinty? It’s a wonder I’m not still a Virgin!
    • You’ve flown so many times now that you’ve developed a strategy for using the bathroom at the correct times to avoid the masses. (no-one wants to be in a long line of passengers after beef curry has been served do they?!)
    • Having to take a dump would be a fate worse than death. There’s no concealing it pal – we all saw you go in there and we all know what you’ve been doing for the past ten minutes; don’t be spraying that complimentary airline fragrance around like you’re fooling us.

Arrival at Destination

    • There’s always that one guy who springs out of his chair like a Jack in a box when the seatbelt sign goes off, despite being sat by the Window or the middle of the row where he has to wait for those next to him to get out first. He gets equal glares to the guy that deprived you of your horizontal time.
    • The idea of your checked bag whizzing around and around on the conveyor belt at baggage claim to fend for itself always makes you feel nervous – even if there’s nothing of particular value in it.
    • Walking through “Nothing to Declare” makes you nervous, even though you know that you genuinely have nothing to declare. You put on your most inconspicuous strut to emphasise your good character.
  1. I am absolutely terrified of flying and I have lots of anxiety to step into an aircraft. I take pills before every flight to calm down and apologise to all flight attendance upon exit. So this struck close to home…the good thing is that I have never let the fear of flying get the better of me. I still do it because my love for travel is bigger than my fear. I have an airline tattoo on my left side of the back that reminds me that I just need to go for it!

  2. Hahaha oh I had to laugh… I’m a bit scared of flying and not so used to it yet but I already recognize some of these things … really well written post hahah :))

  3. I laughed out loud on this one! I just came back from New York and I do fly often. Flying is not my favorite thing in the world. It’s not that I’m scared of being in that contraption thousands of feet above the ground. It’s just that I dread small spaces and long flights. Sometimes, I really have to upgrade our seats last minute to the ones with an empty middle. It’s better than first class sometimes, especially for the price.

    Great posts and will share!

    Ron | Nearby Wanderer

  4. Haha! I love this post, it’s hilarious! I actually love flying, it’s the perfect place for reading and daydreaming. All the points are so true – especially about the guy who leaps out his chair first, wanting to lie horizontally, and the god awful mirrors on planes! Pity you didn’t mention the time I was on a plane and an argument broke out – now that was interesting. x

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